Pizza Delivery

Submitted By “Supagene”

“What’s the usual tip?” a man growled when, Jason, a college boy delivered his pizza.  “Well,” Jason replied, “this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I’d be doing great.”  “Is that so?” grunted the man. “In that case, here’s five dollars.”  “Thanks,” Jason said, “I’ll put it in my college fund.”  “By the way, what are you studying?” inquired the man.  Jason replied, “Applied psychology.”

Elderly Couple at McDonalds

Submitted By “Supagene”

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.  Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.  The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.  The old gentleman said, “Oh, no. We’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”  The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, “Not yet. It’s his turn with the teeth.

Kid Jokes

Submitted By “Thanatos”

What happens when a clown has flatulency?   It smells funny.

What do you name a dog with no legs?  Nothing, he won’t come when you call him anyway!!

What do you call a fish without an eye?  A fsh!!!!

How many blonde jokes are there?  None, they are all true!!!

Why do they bury Attorney’s 10 feet under?  Because deep down they’re really good people.

What do you get when you put Spice Girls in the toaster?  Pop Tarts.

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?  None, its a hardware problem!

What did Adam say to Eve at Christmas ?  ITS CHRISTMAS EVE !!!!

Haircuts – Men vs Women

Submitted By “Thanatos”

Women’s version:

Woman 2: Oh!  You got a haircut!  That’s so cute!

Woman 1: Do you think so?  I wasn’t sure when she gave me the mirror.  I mean, you don’t think it’s too fluffy looking?

Woman 2: Oh Heavens no!  No, it’s perfect.  I’d love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.  I’m pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 1: Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable.  And you could easily get one of those layer cuts – that would look so cute I think.  I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 2: Oh – that’s funny!  I would love to have your neck!  Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 1: Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have your shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you.  I mean, look at my arms – see how short they are?  If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Men’s version:

Man 2:  Haircut?

Man 1:  Yeah.

Talking Gong

Submitted By “Supagene”

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the host led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. “What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked.  “Why, that’s my talking clock,” the man replied.  “How does it work?” asked one of his friends.  “Watch this,” the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.  Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “Hey jerk! It’s 2 in the freaking morning!”

First Class Blonde

Submitted By “Thanatos”

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.” Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York and I’m not moving.” The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.” He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so?” Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”

Be Careful What You Wish For

Submitted By “Supagene”

A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.” The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

You Know You’re Addicted To Coffee..

Submitted By “Supagene”

You know you are addicted to coffee if …
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You’ve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people’s fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You don’t sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You short out motion detectors.
You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
You get a speeding ticket even when you’re parked.
You answer the door before people knock.

Mistaken Email

Submitted By “Thanatos”

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

PS: Sure is hot down here.