One Liners…

Submitted By “Thanatos”

In just two days tomorrow will be yesterday. But I never saw either on the calendar

Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.

My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, He takes something for it.

Never be afraid to try something new, Remember amateurs built the ark – Professionals built the Titanic.

Love is grand – divorce is a hundred grand.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

One of life’s mysteries – How can a two pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

What is a Cat?

Submitted By “Supagene”

What is a Cat?
1.  Cats do what they want.
2.  They rarely listen to you.
3.  They’re totally unpredictable.
4.  They whine when they are not happy.
5.  When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6.  When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7.  They expect you to cater for their every whim.
8.  They’re moody.
9.  They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion:  They’re tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

Drinking & Driving

Submitted By “Thanatos”

Bubba and Earl were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a po-lice roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!” “Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.” “What fer?” asked Bubba. “Just let me do the talkin’, OK?” said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?” “No sir,” Earl said. “We’re on the patch.”

Joke – Classroom Poking

Submitted By: Emily

There’s a girl named Katie and her friend’s name is Brittany.

One day while sitting in class, Katie had fallen asleep. The teacher Mrs. Hudges, goes up to Katie and says “Who created Heaven and Earth?”

Brittany poked Katie with the tip of her pencil and Katie wakes up and screams “Jesus Christ Almighty!!!”

“Correct” said Mrs. Hudges.

So the next day, Katie fell asleep in class and Mrs. Hudges goes up to Katie and says “Who created Heaven and Earth?”

Brittany pokes Katie with the tip of her pencil. Katie wakes up and screams “Jesus Christ Almighty!”

“Correct” said Mrs. Hudges.

The next day Katie fell asleep again. This time Mrs. Hudges goes up to Katie and says “What did Eve say to Adam after she had their 21st child?”

Brittany pokes Katie with the tip of her pencil. This time Katie wakes up and screams “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I’m going to rip it off!”

Joke – Car Accident

Submitted By “Thanatos”

A man and a women are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the man says, “So you’re a woman, that’s interesting. I’m a man. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days. The woman replied, “I agree with you completely.” “This must be a sign from God!” The man continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the woman, The woman nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the man. The man takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the woman. The woman asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The man replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”