JmanX.com – Internet Hoarder

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Category Archives: Jokes

25 Signs You’re Getting Old

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Submitted By “Thanatos”

25 Signs That You’re Getting OLD

  1. You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
  2. Your back goes out more than you do.
  3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
  5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
  6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn’t breaking any laws.
  7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
  8. You sing along with the elevator music.
  9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
  10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
  11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
  13. You answer a question with, “Because I said so.”
  14. You send money to PBS.
  15. The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
  16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
  17. You know what the word “equity” means.
  18. You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
  19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
  20. You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
  21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
  23. You can go bowling without drinking.
  24. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
  25. People send you this list.

Golden Frog & Six Wishes

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Submitted By “Thanatos”

There was a bear and a rabbit. Now Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn’t like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: “Ooh, I don’t often meet anyone in these parts.” They were amazed that the frog had talked to them. The golden frog admitted: “Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case. Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit’s wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could!

10 Reasons You Need To Ask For A Raise

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Submitted By “Thanatos”

10 Reasons Why You Should Ask Your Boss For A Raise

  1. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
  2. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
  3. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
  4. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
  5. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
  6. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
  7. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, “Charity Case — Return To Sender.”
  8. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
  9. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
  10. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

One Liners… Part 2

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Submitted By “Thanatos”

-One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.

-To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

-The older you get, the better you realize you were.

-I doubt, therefore I might be.

-Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

-Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

-Definition of an engineer – Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had, in a way you don’t understand.

At The Store

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Submitted By “Supagene”

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, “No.” The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through – don’t be upset. It won’t be long now.”  Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry. The mother said, “There, there, Monica, don’t cry – only two more aisles to go and then we’ll be checking out.”  When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamour for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there’d be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, “Monica, we’ll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”  The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Monica,” he began. The mother replied, “I’m Monica – my little girl’s name is Tammy.”

The Koala Bear

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Submitted By “Supagene”

A Koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich and the bartender brings him a sandwich  The Koala eats the sandwich and gets up, spins around, pulls a pistol out of his pouch, shoots the piano player, an proceeds to walk out of the bar.  The bartender, in shock, shouts to the Koala, “hey who do you think you are, you ate my sandwich and shot my piano player, and just where do you think your going! The Koala replies, “Hey I’m a Koala. Look it up.”  The frustrated bartender pulls out a dictionary from behind the bar and looks up Koala: “n. a marsupial that eats shoots and leaves.”

 

Blonde Fixes Car Dents

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Submitted By “Thanatos”

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it. The body man decided to have a little fun and said, “Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out.” She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit. “What are you doing?” she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide. “I’m blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car,” explained the first blonde. “Well silly, it’s not going to work,” replied her neighbor. “Why not?” asked the first blonde. “Because you’ve got to roll up the windows first.”

Engine Failure

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Submitted By “Supagene”

A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down.  “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power.  Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane.”

Last Bowl Of Chili

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Submitted By “Supagene”

A guy sits down in a Cafe’ and asks for the hot chili. The waitress says, “The guy next to you got the last bowl.” He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, “Are you going to eat that?” The other guy says, “No. Help yourself.” He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, “That’s about as far as I got, too.”

You Know You Live in California When…

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Not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, & Texan jokes…
You know you’re in California when . . .

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can’t remember…is pot illegal?
6. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can’t remember…is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the US.
13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotch-less chaps.  You don’t even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S & M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
17. You can’t remember…is pot illegal?
18. Its barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: “STORM WATCH 2016.”
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Banks himself is teaching the 4:00pm Tae Bo class.
20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.
21. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
23. Both you AND your dog have therapists.