Yo’ Momma Jokes

“Yo’ Momma” jokes have been a fun way to insult people for a long time now. Usually found in the street, the most original, funny, and insulting joke wins. Some do it for fun, some do it seriously. Either way, here’s a ton of jokes I’ve found and heard while listening or participating in some “Yo’ Momma” joke exchanges. If you got your own that I have listed here, send them to me and I’ll post ’em up. You’ll notice that the jokes are PG-13 rates at worst, that’s done on purpose. I know there’s a ton of jokes out there that can get pretty dirty, so keep them clean if you send them in and want them to go up.

Yo’ Momma’s So Ugly…

She gets paid by the hour not to get plastic surgery
Submitted by: Ian

That if we gathered all the trash in the world and sent it to outer space, she would be flying first class.
Submitted by: Russell

Your daddy takes her to work so he doesn’t need to kiss her goodbye.

She looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

When she tried joining an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals!”

Rice Krispies won’t talk to her.

She makes blind kids cry.

She makes onions cry.

When she threw a boomerang, it wouldn’t come back.

The last time she heard a whistle was when she got hit by a train.

The psychiatrist makes her lie face-down.

When she looks in the mirror, her pimples popped back in.

When she gets up, the sun goes down.

The government moved Halloween to her birthday.

On Halloween, people go as her.

She has to “Trick or Treat” over the phone.

Instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck.

When she walked into a haunted house, she came out with a paycheck.

When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.

When she was born, her mom said, “What a treasure!”; and your dad replied, “Yeah, let’s go bury it.”

When she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.

When she was born, the doctor slapped her butt and slapped her face and said “Twins!”

They push her face into the dough to make gorilla cookies.

When I took her to the zoo, a guy at the door said, “Thanks for bringing her back.”

They filmed “Gorillas in the Mist” in her shower.

The prince would rather live as a frog than kiss her.

She’s got little circles all over her body from people touching her with 10-foot poles.

Her mom had to be drunk to breastfeed her.

Her mom had to tie a steak around her neck so the dogs would play with her.

Her mom had to feed her with a slingshot.

Her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel.

Her American Express card left home without her.

They put her face on box of Ex-Lax and sold it empty.

When she passes by your bathroom, the toilet flushes.

When she was born, they put her in an incubator with tinted windows.

Her parents first named her “Accident”.

They knew what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock!

She must’ve been born on the freeway — that’s where most accidents happen.

When I see her, she reminds me of Taco Bell — Run for the Border!

She took your dog to the Canine Show and won … your dog came in second.

She makes me wish birth control is retroactive.

Yo’ Momma’s So Fat…

When she fell off the curb I tried not to laugh, but the ground was cracking up!
Submitted by: Steveo

When your daddy slaps her ass, it slaps him back.
Submitted by: Regreath

When she put on a yellow dress and jumped people started to yell “Taxi”
Submitted by: Paulette

She was mistaken for God’s bowling ball.

When her beeper goes off, people think she’s backing up.

She had to go to Sea World to get baptized.

She was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Her favorite dress is a tent.

She left home with high heels, she came back with flip-flops.

She has to iron her pants on the driveway.

She needs a building permit for her girdle.

She needs a hula hoop for a belly button ring.

She puts on her belt with a boomerang.

She has to put on lipstick with a paint-roller.

She needed her ears pierced with a harpoon.

She sat on a rainbow and Skittles popped out.

She sat on a quarter and got two dimes and a nickel.

She rolled over four quarters and made it a dollar.

When she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington’s nose.

The Department of Transportation makes her wear a “Caution, Wide Turn” sign.

When she steps on a scale, it reads “One at a time, please”.

When she steps on a scale, it says “To be continued…”

When she steps on a scale, it says “I don’t do livestock”.

The last time she saw 90210 was on a scale.

The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.

She eats Wheat THICKS.

When she bends over we lose an hour of daylight.

She has her own zip code.

The phone company gave her two area codes.

She walked past the TV and I missed 3 commercials.

People jog around her for exercise.

When she puts on her clothes, they beg for mercy.

When she wears a yellow raincoat, folks run after her yelling “TAXI!”

When she wears a red dress, kids run after her cuz they think it’s the Kool Aid Man.

When she wears a Malcom X shirt, helicopters try to land on her.

She shows up on radar.

When she auditioned for Indiana Jones, she got the part of the big rolling ball.

She couldn’t star in Forrest Gump because she kept eating the box of chocolates.

They use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping … and they still hit the ground.

She looks at a menu and goes, “Okay!”

When she goes to a restaurant, she even orders the “Thank You, Come Again.”

When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn’t get a menu, she gets an estimate.

When she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said “Sorry, we don’t do curtains.”

When the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldn’t identify them.

When she goes to the beach, the kids yell, “Free Willy!”

Willy freed her.

She makes Free Willy look like a Tic Tac.

The difference between her and Moby Dick is about three pounds.

When she lies on the beach, no one else gets sun.

When she sits at the beach, Greenpeace tries to tow her back into the ocean.

When she sits in front of the “Hollywood” sign, you can only see the “H” and the “D”.

She measures 36-24-36, and the other arm is just as big!

She was Miss Arizona — class battleship.

She doesn’t wear Dazzey Dukes; she wears Boss Hoggs.

She’s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book.

Her senior picture had to be an aerial view.

She has to fly cargo class.

When she puts on a pair of BVD’s, it stretches to “BouleVarD”.

She has to wear a sock on each toe.

She’s got shock absorbers on her toilet seat.

The AIDS quilt can’t cover her.

The National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.

She qualifies for group insurance.

When she steps on gum, she can tell you what flavor it is.

The shadow of her butt weighs 50 lbs.

She needs to put a bookmark in her folds to find her belly button.

Her navel gets home 15 minutes before she does.

When I swerved to avoid her on the road, I ran out of gas.

You have to grease the door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side just to get her through.

Even God can’t lift her spirits.

God said “Let there be Light”, and moved her fat butt.

Her nickname is “DAAAMN!”.

She sells shade in the summer.

Cows graze by her for the shade.

When she went to the zoo, the elephants threw peanuts at her.

She got on an airplane and only the wings took off.

When she told the airport she needed to fly right away, they stamped “GoodYear” on her butt and put her on the runway!

When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

She lost at Hide and Seek when I spotted her behind the Himalayas.

She could be the eighth continent.

She farted and put herself into orbit.

I gotta ride a bus and two trains to get on her good side.

When your family wants to watch home movies, they dress her in white and seat her in front.

When she eats at McDonald’s, they have to go outside and double the number on the sign that says amount of people served.

I got rich by making her sit on coal.

Her cereal bowl comes with its own lifeguard.

The only thing attracted to her is gravity.

Small objects tend to orbit her.

She’s got tan lines from the refrigerator light.

Her belly button’s got an echo.

I’m jealous of yo daddy. He’s got TWICE the woman anyone else has!

I’ve known her all my life … and I still haven’t seen ALL of her!

She uses the 405 freeway as a slip and slide.

She wore a red dress to a party and when she got there everyone yelled “Kool-Aid!”

She made Jenny Craig’s 10 most wanted list.

She has to be photographed from an aerial view.

Yo’ Momma’s So Old…

She remembers the Grand Canyon when it was a ditch.

You gotta call the fire department when you light her birthday candles.

She’s the only one who can get a senior citizens’ discount at the old folks home.

Her zip code is 00001.

Her birth certificate was in Roman numerals.

Her social security number is zero-zero-one.

I told her to act her own age and she died.

She’s older than anything in the local antique store.

The key on Ben Franklin’s kite was to her apartment.

When she ran track in high school, they timed her with a sundial.

She got hired to baby-sit Cain and Abel.

She was a waitress at the Last Supper.

She’s got Jesus’ pager number.

When Moses parted the Red Sea, she was on the other side fishin’.

When she reads the bible she reminisces.

She co-wrote one of the Ten Commandments.

She has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

She left her purse on Noah’s Ark.

Her birth certificate says, “Expired!” on it.

When you ask for her ID, she hands you a rock.

She farts out dust.

When she gave birth, YOU came out with dentures.

She knew the Garden of Eden when it was a plant.

I found cave drawings of her.

She used a brontosaurus to get her drivers’ license.

Jurassic Park brought back memories.

She knows what caused the Big Bang.

She saw the start of Evolution.

Yo’ Momma’s So Poor…

She can’t pay attention.

When I seen her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said, “Moving.”

When I ring the doorbell, she has to say, “DING!”

Burglars break into house so they can leave money.

She can only afford the “Wel” on the “Welcome” mat.

She waves around a Popsicle stick and calls it air-conditioning.

She’s trying to get married so she can get the rice at the wedding.

I asked her what was for dinner and she popped ME in the oven.

Your TV’s got two channels: on and off.

She eats cereal with a fork so she can save milk.

When she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people’s fingers.

They put her face on a foodstamp.

She used a tumbleweed for a Christmas tree.

She hangs the toilet paper to dry.

I saw her trying to put a food stamp into a gumball machine.

I saw her wrestle a squirrel for a peanut.

You can’t kill the roaches in your house, cause they pay half the rent.

Yo’ Momma’s So Stupid…

She tripped over the cord of a cordless phone.
Submitted by: Emily

She thought Boyz 2 Men was a daycare center.
Submitted by: Pocket

She brought a spoon to the Super Bowl
Submitted by: Anonymous

When she bought a donut she asked for a refund because there was a hole in it.
Submitted by: Ben

She thought a Quarterback was a refund
Submitted by: Saranna

She went to the airport and she read the sign that said “Plane left” and went home
Submitted by: Saranna

I caught her looking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

It took her half an hour to make minute rice.

She thought a hot meal was stolen food.

She looks for the Sunday paper on Tuesdays.

She put your puppy in the oven to make a hot dog.

She bought a solar-powered flashlight.

She invented glow-in-the-dark sunglasses, water-proof teabag, and a wheelchair with pedals.

She got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away the W’s.

If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you’d get back change.

She took the Pepsi Challenge and chose Jif.

She thought Taco Bell was a phone company in Mexico.

She thought Burger King was once a prince

She spent twenty minutes staring at the orange juice carton because it said “Concentrate”.

I told her it was chilly outside, so she went and got a bowl.

I told her the drinks were on the house, she went and got a ladder.

She thought Beirut was a famous home run hitter.

She calls pagers collect.

Tried to strangle herself with a cordless phone.

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She went to drug rehab because she thought she was Hooked on Phonics.

They had to burn her school down just to get her out of 2nd grade.

That on her job application, under Education, she put, “Hooked on Phonics”.

She asked me what kind of jeans I had on, I said “Guess”, and she said “uh, Levi’s?”.

She stands up on an empty bus.

When you were born, she looked at the umbilical cord and said, “Hey, it comes with cable.”

She thought hamburger helper came with another person.

She sold her car for gas money.

That she hops the turnstile when she gets OFF the train.

She went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.

She went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.

When I asked her to buy me a color TV, she asked me what color.

When she saw the “NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)” sign, she went home and got 16 friends.

She went to a 24-hr store and asked what time they closed.

She broke into a furniture store and slept on the floor.

I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.

She thought Cheerios were donut seeds.

She thought Meow Mix was a dance album for cats.

I asked her to go to Subway’s for two heroes and she came back with Batman and Robin.

I taught her how to do the “Running Man”, and I haven’t seen her since.

She only has one toe on each foot, but she bought a pair of flip flops.

Someone told her to take out the trash, so she moved out of the house.

She writes “Thank You” notes for her bills.

She put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house!

She married your daddy.

She cooks with Old Spice.

I know she’s been using my computer when I see the White-Out on my screen.

She sits on the T.V. and watches the couch.

She got locked in the bathroom and peed her pants.

She stole free samples.

Yo’ Momma’s…

Butt so big, she’s taller when she sits down.

So hairy, Bigfoot takes pictures of her!

So hairy, she’s got a goatee growin’ around her belly button.

Nose so big, she picks it with a boxing glove.

Nose so big, you can go bowling with her boogers.

Nose hairs so long, she can have them braided.

Armpits so hairy, she looks like she got Buckwheat in a headlock.

Armpits so stink, the teacher gave her an A’ so she wouldn’t need to raise her hand.

So bald, you can see what’s on her mind.

Feet so big, they need license plates.

House so small, you ordered a large pizza and had to eat it outside.

House so small, I threw a rock through your window and it hit everybody.

House so small, the front and back doors are on the same hinge.

House so dirty, I have to wipe my feet before I go outside.

So stink, she has to creep up on bathwater.

So stink, she sweats Black Flag.

Ears so big, she can’t hold cigarettes behind them.

Ears so big, she gets satellite reception.

Teeth so bad, her dentures’ got cavities.

Teeth so yellow, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

Teeth so yellow, traffic slows down when she smiles.

Teeth so yellow, she’d put the sun out of business.

Teeth so yellow, you never needed a crayon to color the sun.

Teeth so yellow, when she smiles, people start singing, “I got sunshine, on a cloudy day…”.

Breath so bad, when she yawns, her teeth yell, “DUCK!”

Breath so bad, when she stuck out her tongue, it was on a stretcher.

Breath so bad, her gums went on strike.

Breath so bad, she needs a Tic Tac with batteries in it.

Breath so bad, people look forward to her farts.

Lips so big, Chapstick had to invent a spray.

So skinny, if she had a big toe, she’d look like a golf club.

So skinny, she can peep through the keyhole with both eyes.

Twice the man you are.

Strong … then again, smell ain’t everything.

Arms so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.

Missing a finger and can’t count past nine.

Got a head so small, she uses a teabag for a pillow.

Got one leg shorter than the other and they call her Hip-Hop.

In a wheelchair, screaming, “I AIN’T STANDING FOR THIS!”

Only got one leg and telling everyone to get off on the right foot.

Got one leg and a bicycle.

Got one hand and a Clapper.

Got no fingers and a banjo.

Got no ears, but she still says, “I hear ya!”.

Got green hair and thinks she’s a tree.

Got a bald head with a part and sideburns.

Has no neck and they call her Head and Shoulders.

Has only two fingers and she’s asking people to “gimme five”.

Has an afro with a chinstrap.

Has three teeth; one in her mouth and two in her pocket.

Has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you’re saying.

Has one short leg and walks in circles.

Has one short arm and can’t applaud.

Has everything a man can want: muscles, a big chest, and a beard.

Like a potato chip — Fri-to Lay.

So slutty, when she heard Santa Claus say, “HO, HO, HO!”, she brought two of her friends.

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